Is it too much to
ask to spend even just a day with someone who means the world to you?
Is too much to ask
to sit down and be still yet perfectly contented with that person who makes you
smile?
Is it too much to
ask to appreciate a spectacular view with the one you love by your side?
Is it too much?
Deep
down my heart, I (try) believe I’m still a
little girl. I’m not ready (or maybe don’t
want) to face the reality of life, although I have to (I must). I still
strongly believe in happily-ever-after
ends. Dreaming my life will be like
Cinderella, sleeping beauty, princess aurora, Bella (beauty and the beast),
snow white, etc. or When I finished watch movie, especially romance or romantic
comedy movies, I always imagine my life is going the same way. Just believe
easily that my goal, purpose, and dream will come true suddenly. Call me naïve
or even pathetic. Yeah, I admit it. So, mock and fool me. Maybe that’s the only
way to wake me up from my day dreaming.
I
realized, hoping with childlike audacity that makes me who am I, a person who
imagines the perfect moments and creates in her head a projected images of
person who she aspires to be. I still need determination
as the engine.
I
have learned that everything not turns out the way I have envisioned it to be.
Like when you want something, the universe – the people around you and the
system, conspired you to achieve it. You may not able to achieve it perfectly
no matter end it is you pursue. Everything
you perfectly pictured to the
littlest detail doesn’t exactly end,
go, or begin the way you want it. Sound
too pessimist, huh!
But,
here I am now. No matter how frustrating things turn out. I believe, He will
give me enough courage to face it. Because He loves me and has beautiful plans,
that I can’t never imagine or predicted. Happy ending is on its way.
Sometimes
you found other people achieve their goal easily. Everything runs smooth, not
like yours. Don’t rush to figure it out His plans. Everything needs time to process. Time one person to another is different. When you think
about your way in past, you will remember how precious your achievement. You
will have words to share, a story to tell.
I
don’t mean and want to get deep into the truth of love. It’s not a final
thought, it’s just another matter when I realize that loving is not always a
cycle of happiness-sadness in good or bad times. Love can also is about being brave enough to open your heart and mind to go through with all possibility to hurt and
disappointing. Being honest to yourself and accept it. In the end, you will
find strength in yourselves, that can never you imagine is there. Strength to get up
after fall. Fall in love.
Love
is a simple test character. It’s a
test how far the person, his couple or both of them is willing to go and change
to get a better. Better person, personality, or appearance. A test that tells
you there is another point of view
in different angle. Like a coin, it
has two sides. You can’t say one is front and the other is backside. It isn’t
that easy. It depends how you put it or from which side do you see.
Things
are different when you in love, because it change everything.
It will affect everything. It seizes your mind. Things that make you get out of
bed in the morning, things you’ll do in a whole day, a way you spend your
weekends, books you read, things that influence your emotion-which can make you
up and down easily.
You
will find obstacles which can make you frustrating. There is dead-ends that you
never foresaw. You may hurt, betrayed, lost, confused and those feeling are
comes by turn. No matter how strong and powerful you are, or even superheroes
you’ll get the pain. It gets you sooner or later no matter how much you try to
steer yourself far away. When this is happen all you want is turn back the
time, wish that you never fall. Fall in love. Unfortunately, the remote only have two buttons, play and stop. You can’t rewind or even forward it like video. All you
can do is press “stop” as long as you want, but not to long, to rebuild your
strength and then “play”, to continue your life.
Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside?
You will never measure up, to those people
You must be strong, can’t show them that you’re weak
Did
you know that song? That’s one of my favorite songs. In some situation I did
it, and it works. I just look at the mirror, smile … smile … I command myself
to pretend everything is
all right. “I know you can do it, is easy,” I say. “I’m good. I’m all
right. I really am,” I remind it constantly in my head. Because I thought that if I believe enough, it will happen.
I wish.
I
found this skill when I’m 5th grade in elementary school. This skill
helps me alive
until now. Perhaps it is one of my precious defense mechanism, to make people who close or know
me, especially my family, believe that I’m happy and nothing wrong with my
life. I smile a genuine smile and laugh the way I always do. Like, okay, I have
no serious troubles. I’m good at it. In fact I feel the opposite. So, for some
people I type a person that they can always count on.
Because
they-my friends or relatives, think that my life is perfect, not to perfect, just normal,
like other who don’t have
serious life-problem. I have parents, brother, grandpa, aunt, uncle, who
close and love me. I don’t have problem with daily needs, study fee, or other
additional expenses like clothes, shoes, mobile-phone account, etc. Every
holiday, my family always took me out of town for gathering with my aunt and
uncle’s family. We always
had a great time. Its fun gathers with my cousins. My score in
university is not too bad. It’s above standard. I have a boyfriend and a lot of
friends. I grow in good society. I’m a good citizen, I don’t have friend who
addicted to drugs, alcohol, or have serious crime. And I’m so thankful to my God for that. But, I
don’t know the reason why in the end of the day, I wipe the smile off my face and tears slowly coming up. Why
I feel loneliness
when I’m in crowd. Why I
can’t really laugh or happy while I’m in the middle of friends when they
are full of joy, cheer, laugh and jokes.
Some
people realize that I’m no
tough cookie, but an emotionless freak. I break down. I cry. I lose
hope. I fall. For them, I was the one who bring rain clouds on a leash and
share it with others. I try not to be built that way. I really hate my
pessimist side of mine. This seems bigger than my optimist side. I want to be
strong, to hold my head up high, to shed a tear, and say “next time will be better”.
I
want to be the one who’ll make people feel better or even reconsider their
situation. Even that means forgetting me. I tend to forget my failures, my disappointments, and my
frustrations. It feels better, much better. Way better.
You
can call me escapist
or call me coward.
That’s the way I am. I’m brave that way. I think I’m stronger in that way.
Recently
I watch oprah, there is a girl, an ordinary girl like me. College student with
good grades, have happy family. But, suddenly his family shocked by her email,
that tell she decided to end her life. Suicide.
Fiuh…
at least I realize that I
have a thousand million reasons to life, no matter how far I fall and
lose hope. When I straight up, I can see the light in my way that take me home,
a place where my Father waiting for me. I’m so bless full.
If
world are fair, everyone would be love by the person they loved. Unfortunately, world doesn’t work in
that way. And for me that is the most painful lesson of life in my life. When I found someone
who is definitely like what I dreaming of, someone who can make my heart say, “Yes,
that’s him!” But, I finally I found out that he’s not for me. There is no
reason. We just simply not meant to be.
I
hate the fact that after a long time we break-up, I still love him
that much. I hate the fact that he could be happy with someone else. It’s hurt
me so bad, because I realize that I’m not much worth for
him. Sometimes, I think I might have annoyed him. What can I do if even after
all these time he stills my kryptonite? What can I do when he appear in my
dream? He would never (and ever) know how much I love him.
Maybe
my biggest mistake is always looking at the past. I’m trap in thought
“what could have happened if we still together…” Now, I realize that I never move on.
I just let the time pass me by. Life in empty for quiet long time.
When
I’m rethinking my life, actually I’m happy with my new steady. Maybe it’s time for me to wake up. It’s
time for me to open my eyes and open my heart for my new steady who up to now
has been faithful to me. Therefore, I’m sure, one day I’ll find my self
happy, completely, without him in my mind at all.
Ps:
Thanks to my entire best
friend who help me through my heart-break! GBU
Life is a book
in chapter three
The past
The present
And yet to be
The first is written and laid away
The second, we are writing day by day
The last, but not the least of this
chapter three
Is locked from
one’s sight
Only God holds the way
If you love me
Will you give me everything I
ask of you?
If I love you
I will give you only what is the best for you
If you love me
You won’t hurt me not the
smallest hurt will do
If I love you
I must hurt you When hurt is the best for you
God won’t
ask what kind of car you drove,
He’ll ask how many people you drove
who didn’t have transportation.
God won’t
ask the square footage of your house,
He’ll ask how many people you
welcomed into your home.
God won’t
ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
He’ll ask how many you helped
clothe.
God won’t
ask what your highest salary was,
He’ll ask if you gave some to
help others.
God won’t
ask what your job title was,
He’ll ask if you performed
your job to the best of your ability.
God won’t
ask how many friends you had,
He’ll ask how many people to
whom you were a friend.
God won’t
ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He’ll ask how you treated your
neighbors.
God won’t
ask about the color of your skin,
He’ll ask about the content of
your character.
God won’t
ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation,
He’ll lovingly take you to
your mansion in heaven,
and not to the gates of Hell.
God won’t
have to ask how many people you forwarded this to,
He already knows whether or
not you are ashamed
to share this information to whom
you love.
I
said a prayer for you today
and
know God must
have heard
I
felt the answer in my heart
although
He spoke not a word
I didn’t ask for a wealth
or fame
I
knew you wouldn’t mind
I
asked for priceless treasures of a
far more lasting kind
I
prayed that He would be near you
at
the start of each new day,
to
grant you health and blessings and
friends
to
share your way
I
asked for happiness for you
in
all things great and small,
But it was for His loving
care I
prayed the most of all
